I have been trying really, REALLY hard to get my thoughts under control - to put on the mind of Christ at all times - and to STOP the negative inside chatter.
And I thought I was doing pretty well.
Let me get caught up here...
You know that job I was looking for? I got it. However, it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. I was trying to get something part time to get me out of the house, get some money, be with real people (as opposed to false Facebook people), and have a life.
I was told that I would never be able to do this, that it was too much for me. That made me more determined. Then, I was told by others that GOD gave me this job. Well, if God gives you a job, you'd better go for it, huh?
So, I did. I started working forty hours a week. At first, it was nerve-wracking, but fun. I had SO much to learn and I did well. I was allowed to re-arrange things, organize things, and just make a real difference in my work place.
There were some very real problems, however, that I tried to ignore, but they would not go away. One was the fact that I was totally exhausted. By totally exhausted, I mean, I was TOTALLY exhausted. I would come home from work and not have the energy to do anything. I could barely eat dinner. I would get my pajamas on and just lay around the rest of the night. It was horrible.
My job was STRESSFUL. I had tons of responsibility and I quickly learned that my "training" was over (that's a joke there) and I was pretty much on my own. I'd get questioned, "Did you do this?" "Um, no. Am I supposed to do that?" "Well, yes. You'd better get this done right away..." (and good luck figuring out what you are supposed to do!)
My health began to suffer in some really nasty ways. One was digestion. Yea. My stomach was not happy with all of the stress, food and lack of sleep. So, I started getting sick every day - usually a good part of the day was spent being sick. I will spare you the details and let you fill in the nasty gaps.
Then, I realized that I was losing my voice. I mean REALLY losing it. I could not sing. When I talked, my voice would literally squeak. It became rather scary as I realized that it was not getting better, but was in fact getting worse.
My boss was a real stinker. He liked to embarrass people and find their faults. He really was a very unhappy person and he didn't like for anyone to be too happy. Some days, he was fine and he would smile and attempt to joke around. For the most part, however, there was not a good word, but criticism and questioning about EVERYTHING.
No one there could do anything right. You just hoped and prayed that today was not your day to be the brunt of the gossip and jokes in the office. The gossip and chatter about "someone" happened daily.
As I approached my 50th day there, I began to feel so drained of energy and life that I didn't care about much of anything. I mean, when your husband is the pastor, you're supposed to go to services, right? Thursday night Bible studies were like torment to me. My eyes burned, I hurt all over, and I just wanted to go to sleep in thew pew. People want to talk after service? No way, not gonna happen. This chick is heading home to bed.
Laundry, meals, dishes, the house, the pets - they all suffered. And then I realized that my daughter did not like coming home to an empty house after school. She would come to my workplace if there was something to do and she would help me. She did it for free, although I would pay her something for all of the work she did.
Finally, the day came. I went into my boss's wife's office to tell her that I needed a day off the following week. She asked me to close the door and she said, "Your daughter cannot keep coming in like this." I was so stunned. I quickly told her that I would take care of it. She was worried that I would be upset with her and I assured her that it was fine.
I left in a daze and informed my daughter that she would have to leave. I could see the confusion in her eyes as I told her, "Just go home. I will tell you everything later." She kept looking at me as she walked out, like she'd been slapped in the face. I felt horrible.
The rest of the day in the office was quiet. I went to the back room to work so I could be alone and gather my thoughts. I texted my daughter to make sure she was okay. She was, but she was hurt and confused. I tried to make sense of it all and realized that I truly had never asked for her to be able to come in. Due to the casual atmosphere of the office, I truly never gave it a thought. However, I did consider that it's their place, so they can call the shots.
I left that day in a daze. I came home and talked to my husband and he was upset that they would not allow my daughter in the office. We were all frazzled and he told me that I needed to quit. He told me that I am tired, have no life and I just need to get out of there because it's not going to get any better.
Early the next morning, before work, I called the employment agency, for whom I was still working and asked them what I should do if I wanted to quit the job. I explained some of the situation and she basically told me that if it's that bad, I don't have to give a notice - I can just walk out. I was still undecided so I told her to just wait and I would let them know.
I went to work and felt somehow different. I didn't feel "it" anymore - like it was going to get better, that it was a good job for me, or that I needed to be there. I went through the motions of the morning. Then, I found out that the boss and his wife were not coming in that day. I took advantage of the opportunity to begin gathering up some things "just in case." My co-worker jokingly asked me if I was moving out and I told her that I was just taking some things home that I don't use at the office. It was the truth - I still wasn't sure what I was going to do.
School was cancelled due to snow and so my daughter came to eat lunch with me. As lunch time grew closer, I knew I was done there. I began to quietly pack up more of my belongings. When my daughter came, I had her quietly move things to her car.
I got all of my work up-to-date and worked until the very end of the day. I kept remembering little things I needed to gather up. I would get them and get back to work. Finally, 5:00 came. I put my coat on, got in my car and drove off. It was like something out of a movie - so surreal.
My strength is coming back. My voice is coming back and I am getting things done at home. I have found some online writing jobs that keep me busy.
However, in the back of my mind, I still wonder if I did the right thing. A pastor's wife told me not to quit until something else opened up. I didn't listen to her. Instead, I listened to my family - those who are with me everyday and who knew the situation I was in.
Lord, protect my mind and keep me from negative thoughts. Help me to stop the enemy from putting doubts and worries into my mind that would detour me from my purpose. Help me to seek Your perfect peace and keep my mind upon you for "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee." In Jesus' Name!
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