Job Searching

I haven't worked outside of my house for about 20 years. And even that was just teaching and helping at a couple of Christian schools. I have never really worked much at all. I have worked in a few nursing homes right after I graduated for one summer. I have worked a place that made copies when I was in college. I have worked at an insurance agency for one year after getting married. I then moved and worked for three months a another insurance agency until I walked out after they lied to me. I worked a temporary job doing data processing.

And then I got pregnant for son #1. Since then, I have worked two years teaching and tutoring at Christian schools, which I loved and enjoyed immensely. Since then, I have worked out of my house, writing articles for various overseas businesses.

Since moving, I have found that I am bored, lonely and poor. Quite a combination, huh? I decided to "try" to get a job on my own, but came up with nothing. So, I ventured to the local employment agency and filled out a whole book of questions. They called me for one potential job at the hospital. It was a full time job, which I really didn't want, but I was desperate. I told them to put my name in. They did, but no calls.

I have been online practically begging someone to hire me to do customer rep work. In fact, I have been trying to get someone ANYONE to take a chance on me, to let me prove that I can do this. What is it about middle-aged (I can't believe I just called myself that!) who have already raised their children who haven't worked in years that scares employers? For crying out loud, I have worked hard for the past 20-25 years raising my family. Could you ask for more dedication and hard work??

And so, I wait. I have decided that maybe I'm not supposed to be working right now, according to the possible will of God in my life. I don't know this, but I do know that He brought us here and so, He's got it all worked out. I do feel disappointed that no one will trust me enough to give me a chance. However, God is bigger than any old employer and He will work it out on my behalf.

He may help me be happy here at home. He may work things out in another way - one that I have not considered. Or, He may work something out yet. I don't know. I just know that I must trust Him to take care of it. And He will.

Freedom, Boundaries and Loneliness

Freedom
One thing that we have felt since moving here is a tremendous amount of freedom. We have been living a certain way for about 25 years now. I'm not sure how or why, but suddenly, the door flew open and we took advantage of that opportunity to escape. What were we escaping from? The mundane. The boring. The same-o lifestyle that we felt trapped in. We fled as quickly as we could. The door would have opened sooner if we'd been watching, but we didn't know we were trapped. Once we saw it, and felt it, we were outta there. It has felt like fresh air. New breath. Life. Choices. Freedom.

 Boundaries
One HUGE lesson that we are still learning through this process is boundaries. In fact, I can say that understanding boundaries has changed my life forever. Knowing how much of myself to reveal to others, how much to say, how close I let people get to me and my life and my family - it's all about boundaries. The more people I let in, the less I enjoy the safety of those boundaries. My family is the most important thing to me. My immediate family - my husband and my daughter. My boys no longer live here, but they are next, and they are the end of it. I no longer answer to my parents or my siblings in terms of how I live my life or what decisions I make. Rather, they have the decision to come alongside me and support me or just be quiet. It's my life now... Oops, back to the freedom thing again.

God
Before I talk about loneliness, I want to address where God stands in my life in the midst of this freedom and these boundaries. He that the Son hath set free is free indeed. We are not to be slaves anymore, but walk in fellowship with Jesus. He gives us freedom, but we don't always take it. We are to lay aside the weights, we are to put the past behind us... but we often don't. The great thing about God, however, is that He keeps working with us until we finally can! And He wants us to have boundaries. He doesn't want us spilling ourselves all over the world. He puts people in our lives who love us, accept us and help us. People we can trust. People who have our best interest at heart. These are the folks who pray for you and will help you at anytime of day or night. Those are the people you can let in. Everyone else must be kept at arm's length. Loved but not inside the boundary of my life.

Loneliness
With a new town also came other changes. My daughter is now in school and my husband is working about an hour away. I have homeschooled for 20+ years. So, I've been lonely. Not everyday, but probably half of the time when I'm home, I'm feeling lonely. I am tired of crying and it won't do any good to feel sorry for myself, but it's really been tough. So, I've decided to pursue a job of some sort. After 25+ years of staying home to raise and teach my children, I'm stepping out... it should be interesting, but anything is better than feeling alone, bored and poor. Right? :)

The Move

We've just moved. To a new city. A new church. A new home. Everything is new. I haven't felt this many emotions since... well, I don't know when it might have been, except maybe when I was getting married or experiencing the birth of one of my precious children.

I only know that it has been a completely revolutionary event in my life. Those who know me well know that I am a very emotional, sensitive person. For some reason, I have always believed that those traits were negative and should be changed if at all possible. God has done a work in my life, however, to show me that just maybe He created me that way. Yes, I feel things more deeply and strongly than the average person, but that's okay. I may feel pain more deeply, but I also feel joy more deeply. I may feel hurt more than most when criticized or berated, but I also feel wondrous peace when I'm in the presence of the King.

So, this move has brought about a tirade of emotions - all good and all bad - all at one time. The saving grace has been the fact that this move was so obviously a "God thing." Having a bad experience a few years back, Chris and I were more than a little nervous to venture out. However, God did amazing things to make our move not only possible but also unbelievably quick and effortless. We were moved before we knew what happened and God knew it needed to be that way.

We have moved here to pastor a church. A church that had gone through a really hard time. Many people had left due to hurt feelings, differences in beliefs and feelings of betrayal. The few faithful that were left were sweet folks, but they were hurting also and they were scared. When we began to minister here, almost a year ago, we didn't know what to expect. Could this church be revived? Did God want revival in this town? Were the hurts too deep, the pain too great ... or could it be that God was working behind the scenes to do a greater work?

We traveled back and forth to services twice a week - 80 miles one way. It was a fun, difficult and exhausting time. There were days that I just didn't think I could continue doing it. However, God always restored my strength and my health and made a way.

In the meantime, the church began to feel life again. They realized that they were loved by a man and his family that really cared about them. They began to respond. Slowly. But response it was. God began to change hearts, bringing in some new folks and letting others go. It was one miracle after another, watching God work behind the scenes.

God continued to give my husband and I scripture after scripture to assure our hearts. We checked our emotions at the door as we followed hard after God and the course He had set before us. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was so obvious. We knew some would not understand. We knew some might be hurt, although that was never our intention, and we knew that we would have to say some tough good-byes. I was reminded again and again about giving my all to Him. One night, I lamented about leaving my house. It was spacious, carried a lifetime of memories of raising three kids and so much more. God reminded me of Matthew 19:29 (AMP): 

"And anyone and everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands for My name’s sake will receive many [even a hundred] times more and will inherit eternal life."

However... I had to let it all go. I had to leave my house, my parents, my city, my church, my brother and my son. I had to say good-bye and be ready to start a new life, in a city, in a new house, in a new church. I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is faithful, however. He has directed our steps, helped us get settled into our new house and continues to show us His faithfulness day after day.

I don't know what tomorrow will hold. I only know that I am in this to please Him. If you are struggling today with giving 100%, I encourage you today. Go ahead and go for it. Let God have His way and watch what He will do. You will be amazed and thrilled at what He will do on your behalf.

"Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." (AMP) Isaiah 43:19