Be Still, My Soul

How many times do we face thoughts that go around and around in our brains, serving no purpose but to confuse us?

I have been trying really, REALLY hard to get my thoughts under control - to put on the mind of Christ at all times - and to STOP the negative inside chatter.

And I thought I was doing pretty well.

Let me get caught up here...

You know that job I was looking for? I got it. However, it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. I was trying to get something part time to get me out of the house, get some money, be with real people (as opposed to false Facebook people), and have a life.

I was told that I would never be able to do this, that it was too much for me. That made me more determined. Then, I was told by others that GOD gave me this job. Well, if God gives you a job, you'd better go for it, huh?

So, I did. I started working forty hours a week. At first, it was nerve-wracking, but fun. I had SO much to learn and I did well. I was allowed to re-arrange things, organize things, and just make a real difference in my work place.

There were some very real problems, however, that I tried to ignore, but they would not go away. One was the fact that I was totally exhausted. By totally exhausted, I mean, I was TOTALLY exhausted. I would come home from work and not have the energy to do anything. I could barely eat dinner. I would get my pajamas on and just lay around the rest of the night. It was horrible.

My job was STRESSFUL. I had tons of responsibility and I quickly learned that my "training" was over (that's a joke there) and I was pretty much on my own. I'd get questioned, "Did you do this?" "Um, no. Am I supposed to do that?" "Well, yes. You'd better get this done right away..." (and good luck figuring out what you are supposed to do!)

My health began to suffer in some really nasty ways. One was digestion. Yea. My stomach was not happy with all of the stress, food and lack of sleep. So, I started getting sick every day - usually a good part of the day was spent being sick. I will spare you the details and let you fill in the nasty gaps.

Then, I realized that I was losing my voice. I mean REALLY losing it. I could not sing. When I talked, my voice would literally squeak. It became rather scary as I realized that it was not getting better, but was in fact getting worse.

My boss was a real stinker. He liked to embarrass people and find their faults. He really was a very unhappy person and he didn't like for anyone to be too happy. Some days, he was fine and he would smile and attempt to joke around. For the most part, however, there was not a good word, but criticism and questioning about EVERYTHING.

No one there could do anything right. You just hoped and prayed that today was not your day to be the brunt of the gossip and jokes in the office. The gossip and chatter about "someone" happened daily.

As I approached my 50th day there, I began to feel so drained of energy and life that I didn't care about much of anything. I mean, when your husband is the pastor, you're supposed to go to services, right? Thursday night Bible studies were like torment to me. My eyes burned, I hurt all over, and I just wanted to go to sleep in thew pew. People want to talk after service? No way, not gonna happen. This chick is heading home to bed.

Laundry, meals, dishes, the house, the pets - they all suffered. And then I realized that my daughter did not like coming home to an empty house after school. She would come to my workplace if there was something to do and she would help me. She did it for free, although I would pay her something for all of the work she did.

Finally, the day came. I went into my boss's wife's office to tell her that I needed a day off the following week. She asked me to close the door and she said, "Your daughter cannot keep coming in like this." I was so stunned. I quickly told her that I would take care of it. She was worried that I would be upset with her and I assured her that it was fine.

I left in a daze and informed my daughter that she would have to leave. I could see the confusion in her eyes as I told her, "Just go home. I will tell you everything later." She kept looking at me as she walked out, like she'd been slapped in the face. I felt horrible.

The rest of the day in the office was quiet. I went to the back room to work so I could be alone and gather my thoughts. I texted my daughter to make sure she was okay. She was, but she was hurt and confused. I tried to make sense of it all and realized that I truly had never asked for her to be able to come in. Due to the  casual atmosphere of the office, I truly never gave it a thought. However, I did consider that it's their place, so they can call the shots.

I left that day in a daze. I came home and talked to my husband and he was upset that they would not allow my daughter in the office. We were all frazzled and he told me that I needed to quit. He told me that I am tired, have no life and I just need to get out of there because it's not going to get any better.

Early the next morning, before work, I called the employment agency, for whom I was still working and asked them what I should do if I wanted to quit the job. I explained some of the situation and she basically told me that if it's that bad, I don't have to give a notice - I can just walk out. I was still undecided so I told her to just wait and I would let them know.

I went to work and felt somehow different. I didn't feel "it" anymore - like it was going to get better, that it was a good job for me, or that I needed to be there. I went through the motions of the morning. Then, I found out that the boss and his wife were not coming in that day. I took advantage of the opportunity to begin gathering up some things "just in case." My co-worker jokingly asked me if I was moving out and I told her that I was just taking some things home that I don't use at the office. It was the truth - I still wasn't sure what I was going to do.

School was cancelled due to snow and so my daughter came to eat lunch with me. As lunch time grew closer, I knew I was done there. I began to quietly pack up more of my belongings. When my daughter came, I had her quietly move things to her car.

I got all of my work up-to-date and worked until the very end of the day. I kept remembering little things I needed to gather up. I would get them and get back to work. Finally, 5:00 came. I put my coat on, got in my car and drove off. It was like something out of a movie - so surreal.

My strength is coming back. My voice is coming back and I am getting things done at home. I have found some online writing jobs that keep me busy.

However, in the back of my mind, I still wonder if I did the right thing. A pastor's wife told me not to quit until something else opened up. I didn't listen to her. Instead, I listened to my family - those who are with me everyday and who knew the situation I was in.

Lord, protect my mind and keep me from negative thoughts. Help me to stop the enemy from putting doubts and worries into my mind that would detour me from my purpose. Help me to seek Your perfect peace and keep my mind upon you for "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee." In Jesus' Name!

Job Searching

I haven't worked outside of my house for about 20 years. And even that was just teaching and helping at a couple of Christian schools. I have never really worked much at all. I have worked in a few nursing homes right after I graduated for one summer. I have worked a place that made copies when I was in college. I have worked at an insurance agency for one year after getting married. I then moved and worked for three months a another insurance agency until I walked out after they lied to me. I worked a temporary job doing data processing.

And then I got pregnant for son #1. Since then, I have worked two years teaching and tutoring at Christian schools, which I loved and enjoyed immensely. Since then, I have worked out of my house, writing articles for various overseas businesses.

Since moving, I have found that I am bored, lonely and poor. Quite a combination, huh? I decided to "try" to get a job on my own, but came up with nothing. So, I ventured to the local employment agency and filled out a whole book of questions. They called me for one potential job at the hospital. It was a full time job, which I really didn't want, but I was desperate. I told them to put my name in. They did, but no calls.

I have been online practically begging someone to hire me to do customer rep work. In fact, I have been trying to get someone ANYONE to take a chance on me, to let me prove that I can do this. What is it about middle-aged (I can't believe I just called myself that!) who have already raised their children who haven't worked in years that scares employers? For crying out loud, I have worked hard for the past 20-25 years raising my family. Could you ask for more dedication and hard work??

And so, I wait. I have decided that maybe I'm not supposed to be working right now, according to the possible will of God in my life. I don't know this, but I do know that He brought us here and so, He's got it all worked out. I do feel disappointed that no one will trust me enough to give me a chance. However, God is bigger than any old employer and He will work it out on my behalf.

He may help me be happy here at home. He may work things out in another way - one that I have not considered. Or, He may work something out yet. I don't know. I just know that I must trust Him to take care of it. And He will.

Freedom, Boundaries and Loneliness

Freedom
One thing that we have felt since moving here is a tremendous amount of freedom. We have been living a certain way for about 25 years now. I'm not sure how or why, but suddenly, the door flew open and we took advantage of that opportunity to escape. What were we escaping from? The mundane. The boring. The same-o lifestyle that we felt trapped in. We fled as quickly as we could. The door would have opened sooner if we'd been watching, but we didn't know we were trapped. Once we saw it, and felt it, we were outta there. It has felt like fresh air. New breath. Life. Choices. Freedom.

 Boundaries
One HUGE lesson that we are still learning through this process is boundaries. In fact, I can say that understanding boundaries has changed my life forever. Knowing how much of myself to reveal to others, how much to say, how close I let people get to me and my life and my family - it's all about boundaries. The more people I let in, the less I enjoy the safety of those boundaries. My family is the most important thing to me. My immediate family - my husband and my daughter. My boys no longer live here, but they are next, and they are the end of it. I no longer answer to my parents or my siblings in terms of how I live my life or what decisions I make. Rather, they have the decision to come alongside me and support me or just be quiet. It's my life now... Oops, back to the freedom thing again.

God
Before I talk about loneliness, I want to address where God stands in my life in the midst of this freedom and these boundaries. He that the Son hath set free is free indeed. We are not to be slaves anymore, but walk in fellowship with Jesus. He gives us freedom, but we don't always take it. We are to lay aside the weights, we are to put the past behind us... but we often don't. The great thing about God, however, is that He keeps working with us until we finally can! And He wants us to have boundaries. He doesn't want us spilling ourselves all over the world. He puts people in our lives who love us, accept us and help us. People we can trust. People who have our best interest at heart. These are the folks who pray for you and will help you at anytime of day or night. Those are the people you can let in. Everyone else must be kept at arm's length. Loved but not inside the boundary of my life.

Loneliness
With a new town also came other changes. My daughter is now in school and my husband is working about an hour away. I have homeschooled for 20+ years. So, I've been lonely. Not everyday, but probably half of the time when I'm home, I'm feeling lonely. I am tired of crying and it won't do any good to feel sorry for myself, but it's really been tough. So, I've decided to pursue a job of some sort. After 25+ years of staying home to raise and teach my children, I'm stepping out... it should be interesting, but anything is better than feeling alone, bored and poor. Right? :)

The Move

We've just moved. To a new city. A new church. A new home. Everything is new. I haven't felt this many emotions since... well, I don't know when it might have been, except maybe when I was getting married or experiencing the birth of one of my precious children.

I only know that it has been a completely revolutionary event in my life. Those who know me well know that I am a very emotional, sensitive person. For some reason, I have always believed that those traits were negative and should be changed if at all possible. God has done a work in my life, however, to show me that just maybe He created me that way. Yes, I feel things more deeply and strongly than the average person, but that's okay. I may feel pain more deeply, but I also feel joy more deeply. I may feel hurt more than most when criticized or berated, but I also feel wondrous peace when I'm in the presence of the King.

So, this move has brought about a tirade of emotions - all good and all bad - all at one time. The saving grace has been the fact that this move was so obviously a "God thing." Having a bad experience a few years back, Chris and I were more than a little nervous to venture out. However, God did amazing things to make our move not only possible but also unbelievably quick and effortless. We were moved before we knew what happened and God knew it needed to be that way.

We have moved here to pastor a church. A church that had gone through a really hard time. Many people had left due to hurt feelings, differences in beliefs and feelings of betrayal. The few faithful that were left were sweet folks, but they were hurting also and they were scared. When we began to minister here, almost a year ago, we didn't know what to expect. Could this church be revived? Did God want revival in this town? Were the hurts too deep, the pain too great ... or could it be that God was working behind the scenes to do a greater work?

We traveled back and forth to services twice a week - 80 miles one way. It was a fun, difficult and exhausting time. There were days that I just didn't think I could continue doing it. However, God always restored my strength and my health and made a way.

In the meantime, the church began to feel life again. They realized that they were loved by a man and his family that really cared about them. They began to respond. Slowly. But response it was. God began to change hearts, bringing in some new folks and letting others go. It was one miracle after another, watching God work behind the scenes.

God continued to give my husband and I scripture after scripture to assure our hearts. We checked our emotions at the door as we followed hard after God and the course He had set before us. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was so obvious. We knew some would not understand. We knew some might be hurt, although that was never our intention, and we knew that we would have to say some tough good-byes. I was reminded again and again about giving my all to Him. One night, I lamented about leaving my house. It was spacious, carried a lifetime of memories of raising three kids and so much more. God reminded me of Matthew 19:29 (AMP): 

"And anyone and everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands for My name’s sake will receive many [even a hundred] times more and will inherit eternal life."

However... I had to let it all go. I had to leave my house, my parents, my city, my church, my brother and my son. I had to say good-bye and be ready to start a new life, in a city, in a new house, in a new church. I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is faithful, however. He has directed our steps, helped us get settled into our new house and continues to show us His faithfulness day after day.

I don't know what tomorrow will hold. I only know that I am in this to please Him. If you are struggling today with giving 100%, I encourage you today. Go ahead and go for it. Let God have His way and watch what He will do. You will be amazed and thrilled at what He will do on your behalf.

"Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." (AMP) Isaiah 43:19